Is it RUDE to WANT, If you're not in NEED?

This may be one of my most difficult post to write, due to the fact that it's really about me... not what I think or thought or saw or laughed about on somebody else's behalf... just me. This will also be the last post I leave as a teenager... 12.9.08 yeessss...

So I'm scared.
I am scared of what is in store for me... I continuously deal with the same issues over and over again; and have been dealing with them since High School. It is getting old and I am tired of not fixing the issues at hand. Once, I went to a Medical School interest program at Wake Forest University and one of the instructors were giving us tips on how to interview. An example of one of the questions the university asks its applicants was "What is your weakness... and why havent you fixed it yet". What do you mean.. why.... well it's my weakness. It's mine... again... It's mine. Nobody elses... and I've always had it. So that question made me start thinking why can't we fix the things that get to us most... (well I'll continue to speak for myself), why have I not fixed my weakness. Of course with the help of God anything is possible right...

Supposedly my life is already laid out and what God has for me is for me... and only me. Internally I am not competing with anyone to please him... so why do I worry about all of the external things so much. I hate that I do this... I really do. Naturally I am a silly person, so my trying to explain this to even the closest of all of my friends would be pointless. They'd sympathize... but honestly I think they would not take it as seriously as it has come to be.

Last year, my freshman year. also known as my "fresh start". also known as my "make it or break it". also known as my "don't have too much fun year." and according to my parents... known as my "we are so proud of you year".
None of these things came to me. And according to my own evaluation I'm pissed. Of course the saying goes... "we are always hardest on ourselves", but really though... if I didn't see a reason to be hard on myself I would not be. I'm just not happy with the moves, decisions or anything I've done since graduation. I have to let the high school memories go and create Collegiate ones... but due to a few things I am about to get into... I have very few.

I'm sure a lot of people are going to read this and say that they can't believe that I am writing this stuff up here... but it's the end of the semester and I'm over it all. 3 times in.

North Carolina Agricultural and Techincal State University is not a party school.
Who told me that when I was in high school... because no pun intended, but part of me has words for you. Granted I did listen to a man who graduated from here in 1990. I love him... but when he was getting down around here... it was probably poppin' ;). Now, it's poopin. A mess.
There are approximately 52 weekends in a year of the weekends that I am away at school I might go out 4 or 5 of those weekends. I shouldn't have broken it down that way... it looks even worse than I feel :) . Smh.

DRESS CODE
Yes, I bolded dress code. The dress code at this school would be anything underneath the category of fly, retro, classic, clean, fresh, sexy.... yep. That's us. This ELUSTRIOUS university, breeds young adults of such matter. Granted I am not a product of my enviroment... I learned from home. Greensboro would love to get credit, but they never will... and thats a whole nother story. At 7am in the morning as many students are opening up their eyes for class... the central question is not why did I pick this early class ... it's more like "Hmmm I wonder, the red pumps or the fly bronze ones?" Wahhh? why? Just go to class... but no we can't do that... that would make us look like college students. Who would want that. WE got it... So we Floss it. oMg, I'm so mad that Kanye's track "All Falls Down" came out already... he needs to reintroduce it because we still don't get it. By all means... be about something... look nice. But in all humbleness, lets look at our lives, what we have, what we want and be real. Thats all. K.I.S.S.

KALLEGE... the place to be
Mammmmaaaa, I'm in Kallege!!!!! (excitement).
A mess.
What is this place. What am I doing here. So going back up to what I was saying earlier in my note, I had a hard time freshmen year. I quite possibly could have earned every letter on a transcript possible. And too add a little excitement... the list is now extended. They give you "P's" and "W's" now too! YESSSSSS this is what I've always wanted. NO. Let's have a real talk. I sucked last year. No part of what I was doing school wise was okay, to say the least. And I let all of this happen. Staring at a textbook in aw won't get you an A, I promise...
Everybody seemed to be struggling around me as well, but I sooooooon came to find out that their struggles were C's while I on the other hand Fell through the cracks somehow. What was I to do when everybody I knew seemed to be succeeding in College while I was just super thrilled to be in Kallege. Nevertheless, this was far from a joke to me... had me on edge practically every week when I had an exam and every midterm and final point in the semester. I didn't think I was stupid... and by no means do I believe that now. But, I just wish that something would fall and hit me on the head and tell me why my route must always be hard. Yes supposedly I am suppose to become a strong woman from all of the struggle I've been in... but in my opinion it only is making me weaker because of the fact that I have never done well in a class that was difficult for me. That is all I want... I want to feel accomplished ya know. Well actually it doesnt matter if YOU know of not... but I gotta get this. Getting an A in Freshmen oriention meant nothing to me, that was an expectation... but what if I had gotten an A in Chemistry. :) Bliss. So, basically I am feeling like I am doing better than before but still not as good as I want to to do. But is it RUDE to WANT, If your'e not in NEED?

S.O.S
I will bend over backward to help you. Would you bend over backward to help me. I don't believe this is the case. && I think the answer is NO. Ive realized this year, who are my true friends and who arent. Don't ask me for shit anymore. This is to a specific person that really rubbed the the wrong way this semester. I have no desire to discuss this matter with you at all, because I see why they say everything isnt for everybody and if you didnt get... maybe it wasnt meant for you to get. I'm glad you knew how to work the system, you're a very ELITE bitch.

But for those who have been there in my life... you have pull and not only will I bend over backwards for you... I'll make it a flip. I am so proud of several people in my life in advance. My favorites... my hearts... and I am pulling for you. So I know you wonder..., do I wish and cry and punch my pillow and go back and forth (CHANGEing my heart), wondering if I said the right things or even made the right decisions...YES I DO. but I have to believe that I did. I can't want for things that I passed up... that's ridiculous. Possibly HUMAN, but still ridiculous. And one day, when the flowers are coming out and my allergies start ACTIN UP... all of this will be Ol' Skool to me and it'll be a thing of the past. I gotta grow up on my own. I'll be 20 on tuesday, but what do I have to show... I have determination and that's about it. I need to put in work and everything that is for me will be for me.

Soooo to conclude all of this .... should I be allowed to WANT for things... I think so. So I will continue to want until I get it... so what if I spoil myself. It's all about ME anyways. :) Jus messin'. But I feel so much better now. This was a long note :/

WHEEELLLPPP I GOTTA GO!!!

yours truly,
ME.