Growing Pains

Yall, I just don't know.

You were right... "I am torn in between the two". Ok, I admit it... I like him. I am just really scared because I don't know how much he likes me back. I mean, you can hang out with someone all day and they could see you totally different than you see them. It's happened too many times in the past. I think "I want in". Whatever that means... :). But, this is the last week of school, had a great semester, stayed focused and kept my eye on the prize. I am not going to stress any of this over the summer... if I see him... I see him. If not, it wasnt meant to be lol.

Im excited about what could happen in the future though, and even if this doesnt go where I'm thinking... it might. (omg) I will have learned so much about myself. Age aint nothin but a number, whatttt?! okay im done :). it is literally 6am on a saturday morning and havent been to sleep yet, but you stayed on my mind. Out of all people... really though? Why you... you are a mess. Or maybe its me. Over the past couple of months I have learned to be so much more comfortable in my own skin, I can talk about stuff I would never have talked about before, I have learned to keep my personal life personal, I guess thats why they call it that, and talk to my mom about very important stuff nowadays. I've always wanted that type of relationship with my parents so "you" have helped me develop that, without even knowing it haha. And right now, I'm working on somethings that I have developed over the years... bad habits and communication issues. Guys have never really asked me to express every aspect of how i feel before... and for the first time, that was my only option.

If anything I am not heading toward a relationship physically, but mentally... just like my closest friends- you gotta have some sense. Thank God you do. for the most part lol (wait, ive taken that too far :)

Watever... okay Im done and off of my tangent (shouldnt have done that), but i really needed to write.

SUMMERSUMMERSUMMER TIME

Raleigh Aggie Community Service- on the rise

I really need to find a job for the summer... money has been tight and this semester will be the last time that ever happens. Not working is not cute... especially when you don't have a boo.

Why have my homegirl and I not found an apartment yet??? are we serious (Allen) Yes. we are. Gotta get it together in the next 5 days, bc by then we will be in RaH-Lay.

TRAVELING PlANS

ATL ;) i miss my lovelys.
VA BEACH- maybe ill meet me a military man ^for the love of the kids^
CHICAGO- step for me *do it big for the 25th bday Brandi*
LOUISIANA- aww grandma :) can't wait to see you
PHILLY- my gansta side. & my charece.

hmmmm... wait, why did I promise all of those people I would come see them this summer, i will need a sponser for this... no plane tickets set in stone yet. I guess thats what cars are for :) windows dwn listenin to my Miguel Jontel.

i need to add GREENSBORO to that list.

OH soooo after my roomate (exclusive) and I sign this lease and we cant move in until a week after school starts... who are we going to live with. Uhmph, can i stay with you?! :)

Awww its 6:30am now and the sunset is so prettttyyyy! I don't even want to go to sleep, I want to talk to somebody... I know my mom is asleep, as well as my sister, my girls, my guys... shit. && by the time everybody else gets up, I'll be knocked out. yea lets wrap this up.

WAIT, can't forget about the SWINE FLU!!!

360,000 people die from the Human Flu per year = every 365 days (not a big deal)
150 deaths from the Swine Flu = we should evacuate

Why don't people run around crazy like this for the HIV/AIDs epidemic- I feel as though we should. bc it is pretty serious. They should start selling masks and condoms together in the stores as a joint package.

OH and when I saw this... I felt some type of way- I think I fell in love with her 100x more than I already am! Look at my Michelle! ;) she is a Diva.



Alot of people are upset because she wore these $540.00 pair of kicks to a charity event... but I mean, she is a pretty highclass housewife :) lol jk, no, but really... if you work that hard on a day to day basis... your husband has put your family's life on jeopardy for the past 2 years now... she should be able to wear what ever type of shoes she wants to wear. Those are her chillin' shoes. Jeeze America... give "Chelle" a break! Would you prefer white/whites? or maybe the classic mom keds? lol.

Okay its almost 7am. I need to go to bed, so I can pretend I wasnt up all night delerious, and I wanna go to the cafe before 2 bc I have no food in my room.

PS: Morgan you were gorgeous at your prom!!!!! you rocked it! I love you sis.

Okay until next time... it is what it is ;)

Goodnight
Love,
ME.

My "Southern Bell" Sweetheart

:) You finally got your pair of wings... beautiful arent they?

Grandma, I miss you; & it is as simple as that
You walked so closely with God that I have no worries of where you are now
I look up to you and hope that you will look over me, each and every day for the rest of my life. You are now with your daughter and you share the same pink ribbon... I have one pinned to me too, that reminds me so much of you ;)

Nevertheless, this Valentine's Day... i will spend it will you. Who knew that you would be my 2009 boo? :) Yesssss.... forever and for always, I love you.

Yours Truly,
ME

Dear January

Dear Vantreese... from Your Inner- Self,

I see that you are a fan... 1.20.2009 could have almost been the most memorable day of your life. I mean, everyone knows that you are an Obama groupie. If this would have been a celebrity, you'd be turning up your nose at them. But you are inspired by Michelle and Baracks efforts to lead a country that doesn't exactly look like them... its all good Vantreese, you got groupie love!!!

Self, you know me soooo good... lol let me stop playing yal, but Greensboro is suppose to be beginning an Obama supporters team for his new healthcare plan, I saw it on the news lastnight. Talk about EXCITEMENT!!! this could be my chance to really get in there and learn some things about America's healthcare system... something outside of Raleigh and Mobile. lol. They need volunteers interested in helping him pursue the changes that he seeks. I am down... Collegiate support at its best. I've also been meaning to go down to the Womens Center of Greensboro this week... I need to stop procrastinating and just go today... I will. (after this of course). We must be the change that we seek...

and Tay Tay... I agree with you as far as the Obama beanies go; totally innopropriate. Why did Ty Company think that this would be okay... and then to lie about it is so not okay. I hope Michelle gets in that ASS (excuse me) haha. and they look Mexican... not like me & my first daughters are Black lol. "Sweet Sasha" and "Marvelous Malia" hellooo??? more like Dora and her new little sister. But since they are going off the shelves, I wouldnt mind getting them since they are practically "limited edition" haha. jk.

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To our Dearest DIMPLES and to many... an Incredible HULQ,

My prayers and deepest sympathy go out to your mother and sister, the rest of your family, friends near and far... believe me, we need it. It is times like these that bring everyone together and I hate that you had to be the one that did it. The messenger is always taken away... you have a smile that can light up any room and a hug that makes people not want to let go. I went and stood at the plot today alone, because I just don't get it, I prayed and read the cards people got you and saw all the flowers, you were just a cool dude. And it makes all of us second guess our relationships with the people around us and ask ourselves, if today was my last day... would I have made an impact positively? Well sweetheart, you did. We mourn today because we are sad that you had to be taken away from us so early, so soon... at 22 years old, you are still just a baby; according to my grandmother at least :). But nevertheless, maybe you accomplished everything that God wanted you to and touched those that he needed you to. I can gaurantee it was at least 11,000 people... and the person who did this to you has a conscience and a heavy heart the weight of all of us put together- they will be prayed for and dealt with accordingly.

I was trying to think of something I could go buy or set out on the plot for you... and then I thought of exactly what you needed. Remember those "Puppy Training" classes I told you I was going to send you to... yea, God told me he'd set those up for me for you up there :). You have got to stop biting!!!!! So, I hope those classes go well and you learn something... bc I'd hate to hear you've been causing a ruckus up there lol. And about you getting that tattoo of your entire probate shirt on your back, I'm sure he'll hook you up with that too!

Tommorow, we'll have your service on campus and I'll be there again. I think it puts us all at a type of ease to hear the funny stories and memories that you left behind. Your AGGIES miss you! Hell, who am I going to spend my 21st birthday with this year... Cheeks thinks I'm a mess so idk. But everytime I think of my 20th birthday, until the day I die... I'll think of you, because you made my lame night, alot more interesting. I'm glad that you are resting and taking time off, because it's no joke out here, and when we are done with our duties here on Earth, and you see us at the pearly gates... don't trip Dennis, I'm not playing... Go head and get God and tell em' to let us on in!!!!! Can't have us just sittin out there on clouds and ish, but that seems like something you'd pull, just because you could :).

You will never be forgotten... i love you and miss you already :) truly and inspiration to many... and all those girls you left behind too. Lol all the ladies thought they were the only one that you called "Miss Lady"... lol you got caught kind sir... Called out at your own service :) only you.

1986 - 2009

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Grandma... hold on just a lil' while longer "We Ought To Pray" - we cannot do this alone but, God is holding us all very tightly... I can feel it. His spirit is forever with us always <3

Comon' Matel!? What is the deal? lmao

Okay... sorry, I was having a bad day until I saw this on TV.

Who the hell approved this???? Share A Smile With Becky????

Becky is suppose to be Barbie's new friend, to show all children that people come in all types of shapes, sizes and handicaps??? whoo knew? lol I guess I can see the point they were going for, but who gave her this name? Becky? she sounds handicapped even before you see her, and does her wheelchair have RIMS? hello? hahaha

Maybe I am just wrong for this, but what is next, Lazy Eyed Larry, Cripple Christine, One Legged Lucy... this is all so NOT okay.

And if you were a Barbie fan growing up... you are completely aware that Barbie was cool. Her friends were cool and her boyfriend was HOTT. Who didnt want Ken? So how is any young girl suppose to believe that Sportscar Drivin Barbie's new bestfriend will need a wheelchair attachment to go with her to the mall. I'm not convinced! Hahaha

Check her out!

This is her NEW Beetle 09! Clearly we can see that Barbie is Booshi... I don't see a wheelchair ramp extension on it either... how will Becky ride?

But I feel as though we can come to the conclusion that Barbie doesnt like Becky and never will... I mean, look at her! hahhaha

Yours Truly,

Me.

My Baby...

Dear Dallas (even though I wanted to name you Beckham) lol





DALLAS
you cost me too much money
you piss everywhere, thank god u poop outside
you bark at walls and bite a badd bite.

but, you are growing on me i suppose... i think i brought u into my life too early honestly, but it is a decision that i made and will live with. you'r not going anywhere... I dnt think lol. and as soon as I can move into my own place, u can come too and not be popped on the butt for those simple puppy things u do. i miss u while im away :( but its okay... thats my lil mut and stinky butt.

PS: currently having thoughts of finding this lil boy a hott lil girl friend... she must come with all her shots, dog stuff and be free... but im looking. :)

This may have been the stupidest blogg ive ever written in my life... but im feeling scatterbrained right now... so yea. ill be back with something that makes more sense later. LAY OFF ME hahaha

The Roaring 20's...

Yes I must admit... that title is a little over exagerrated. lol. I am on 20. But, I am very excited about what is to come... life can only get better. Thats all I will allow.

12.9.08 - I crossed over into young adulthood... 19 so didnt count for me. I'm happy.

I didnt do much the day of my birthday, unfortunately it fell on final exam week and my friends and I like to make sure our educational lives are always a main priority. I will probably do something with them over the break.

Fortunately the evening of my birthday I was free... free from anymore exams... but most importantly free. They werent but ... I WAS. So I went out... and had a very very good time. AMAZING. I'll never forget it. Thank you.

Whelpppppp Gota Go!!!!!

Yours Truly,
Me

Is it RUDE to WANT, If you're not in NEED?

This may be one of my most difficult post to write, due to the fact that it's really about me... not what I think or thought or saw or laughed about on somebody else's behalf... just me. This will also be the last post I leave as a teenager... 12.9.08 yeessss...

So I'm scared.
I am scared of what is in store for me... I continuously deal with the same issues over and over again; and have been dealing with them since High School. It is getting old and I am tired of not fixing the issues at hand. Once, I went to a Medical School interest program at Wake Forest University and one of the instructors were giving us tips on how to interview. An example of one of the questions the university asks its applicants was "What is your weakness... and why havent you fixed it yet". What do you mean.. why.... well it's my weakness. It's mine... again... It's mine. Nobody elses... and I've always had it. So that question made me start thinking why can't we fix the things that get to us most... (well I'll continue to speak for myself), why have I not fixed my weakness. Of course with the help of God anything is possible right...

Supposedly my life is already laid out and what God has for me is for me... and only me. Internally I am not competing with anyone to please him... so why do I worry about all of the external things so much. I hate that I do this... I really do. Naturally I am a silly person, so my trying to explain this to even the closest of all of my friends would be pointless. They'd sympathize... but honestly I think they would not take it as seriously as it has come to be.

Last year, my freshman year. also known as my "fresh start". also known as my "make it or break it". also known as my "don't have too much fun year." and according to my parents... known as my "we are so proud of you year".
None of these things came to me. And according to my own evaluation I'm pissed. Of course the saying goes... "we are always hardest on ourselves", but really though... if I didn't see a reason to be hard on myself I would not be. I'm just not happy with the moves, decisions or anything I've done since graduation. I have to let the high school memories go and create Collegiate ones... but due to a few things I am about to get into... I have very few.

I'm sure a lot of people are going to read this and say that they can't believe that I am writing this stuff up here... but it's the end of the semester and I'm over it all. 3 times in.

North Carolina Agricultural and Techincal State University is not a party school.
Who told me that when I was in high school... because no pun intended, but part of me has words for you. Granted I did listen to a man who graduated from here in 1990. I love him... but when he was getting down around here... it was probably poppin' ;). Now, it's poopin. A mess.
There are approximately 52 weekends in a year of the weekends that I am away at school I might go out 4 or 5 of those weekends. I shouldn't have broken it down that way... it looks even worse than I feel :) . Smh.

DRESS CODE
Yes, I bolded dress code. The dress code at this school would be anything underneath the category of fly, retro, classic, clean, fresh, sexy.... yep. That's us. This ELUSTRIOUS university, breeds young adults of such matter. Granted I am not a product of my enviroment... I learned from home. Greensboro would love to get credit, but they never will... and thats a whole nother story. At 7am in the morning as many students are opening up their eyes for class... the central question is not why did I pick this early class ... it's more like "Hmmm I wonder, the red pumps or the fly bronze ones?" Wahhh? why? Just go to class... but no we can't do that... that would make us look like college students. Who would want that. WE got it... So we Floss it. oMg, I'm so mad that Kanye's track "All Falls Down" came out already... he needs to reintroduce it because we still don't get it. By all means... be about something... look nice. But in all humbleness, lets look at our lives, what we have, what we want and be real. Thats all. K.I.S.S.

KALLEGE... the place to be
Mammmmaaaa, I'm in Kallege!!!!! (excitement).
A mess.
What is this place. What am I doing here. So going back up to what I was saying earlier in my note, I had a hard time freshmen year. I quite possibly could have earned every letter on a transcript possible. And too add a little excitement... the list is now extended. They give you "P's" and "W's" now too! YESSSSSS this is what I've always wanted. NO. Let's have a real talk. I sucked last year. No part of what I was doing school wise was okay, to say the least. And I let all of this happen. Staring at a textbook in aw won't get you an A, I promise...
Everybody seemed to be struggling around me as well, but I sooooooon came to find out that their struggles were C's while I on the other hand Fell through the cracks somehow. What was I to do when everybody I knew seemed to be succeeding in College while I was just super thrilled to be in Kallege. Nevertheless, this was far from a joke to me... had me on edge practically every week when I had an exam and every midterm and final point in the semester. I didn't think I was stupid... and by no means do I believe that now. But, I just wish that something would fall and hit me on the head and tell me why my route must always be hard. Yes supposedly I am suppose to become a strong woman from all of the struggle I've been in... but in my opinion it only is making me weaker because of the fact that I have never done well in a class that was difficult for me. That is all I want... I want to feel accomplished ya know. Well actually it doesnt matter if YOU know of not... but I gotta get this. Getting an A in Freshmen oriention meant nothing to me, that was an expectation... but what if I had gotten an A in Chemistry. :) Bliss. So, basically I am feeling like I am doing better than before but still not as good as I want to to do. But is it RUDE to WANT, If your'e not in NEED?

S.O.S
I will bend over backward to help you. Would you bend over backward to help me. I don't believe this is the case. && I think the answer is NO. Ive realized this year, who are my true friends and who arent. Don't ask me for shit anymore. This is to a specific person that really rubbed the the wrong way this semester. I have no desire to discuss this matter with you at all, because I see why they say everything isnt for everybody and if you didnt get... maybe it wasnt meant for you to get. I'm glad you knew how to work the system, you're a very ELITE bitch.

But for those who have been there in my life... you have pull and not only will I bend over backwards for you... I'll make it a flip. I am so proud of several people in my life in advance. My favorites... my hearts... and I am pulling for you. So I know you wonder..., do I wish and cry and punch my pillow and go back and forth (CHANGEing my heart), wondering if I said the right things or even made the right decisions...YES I DO. but I have to believe that I did. I can't want for things that I passed up... that's ridiculous. Possibly HUMAN, but still ridiculous. And one day, when the flowers are coming out and my allergies start ACTIN UP... all of this will be Ol' Skool to me and it'll be a thing of the past. I gotta grow up on my own. I'll be 20 on tuesday, but what do I have to show... I have determination and that's about it. I need to put in work and everything that is for me will be for me.

Soooo to conclude all of this .... should I be allowed to WANT for things... I think so. So I will continue to want until I get it... so what if I spoil myself. It's all about ME anyways. :) Jus messin'. But I feel so much better now. This was a long note :/

WHEEELLLPPP I GOTTA GO!!!

yours truly,
ME.