Bloodless Veins & A Heart Of Stone

I'm entirely numb to the feeling I think I should be feeling...
I can't even react to those around me who love me
I don't want to be apart, for I feel most distant now from everything I once knew before.
Things that I knew... so closely, even last week are different than today

When youre sure of yourself and you think you have it figured out
Thats when it all falls down (Kanye Shrug)
I honestly don't know what to do... I want to run away from it all
And leave everything that I know and just start over
Whats the point of staying

It's rare that I smile genuinely anymore
Theres an akward silence in situations that once were normal
Things are not as great as you may think they are
And, thats why my heart can't deal with the reality that I'm being faced with

I'm upset because there are things that we have chosen to hold value in our lives
These things that are suppose to enhance your "person"
are the very things I blame for "me" being upset when I want my way
and I know by natures law, I can't always have it...
thats just something I'm going to learn to deal with... i have to.
Either that or walk the other way...but then I'd be leaving everyone.
How can something annoy you so much that you're not allowed to mention it,
I wouldnt want to offend anyone.

Somethings seem better than they really are
Somethings are lies
Somethings are truths
those statements may seem obvious, yet I was oblivious

If someone tells you something that you know isnt condusive to your
life... should you do something about it?
Or just let it ride?
I don't want to make life too complicated, because I heard it doesn't have to be.

I just dont want to be lied to... i've done nothing wrong yet all wrong things seem to happen to me... over and over and over again. Maybe i'm not aggressive enough... If I pushed my opinions more... I'd be heard more. Or maybe I'd realize earlier... I want out.
Everything that I invest in becomes the shit I see
and i'm sad.

I just want a true chance at love
even though I don't think it's possible
I want my parents to have a true chance at love
even though I don't think it's possible.
I'll lie to my sister and tell her I think she has a true chance at love
even though I don't think it's possible.

People are going to use you for what youre good for... and leave.
Constriction is a bitch.
Its the American way. Know this.
Be prepared for it.
It happens to everyone.

I've got to look for something simple, something that I enjoy that can't be taken away from me like everything else has been taken away. I wish I could be like everyone else and find the "icing on the cake"... to be able to chase and obtain... AMAZING it is... and I'm in vane.

Love
Religion
Hope
Success

Whoever is in charge of this world... show me my icing and let me live, for once without hearing negative things in my ear or seeing the truths that continue to break my heart... even if I have to do it alone.
Maybe next week will be better... i hope so, because I so disinterested in continuing on in what I know doesnt have a chance at working. :(

Peace & Love (or whatever is closest to those 2 things)

Sincerely,
Me.

the silver lining...

Its hard to call yourself happy when you are continually getting defeated by things in your life... I'm only happy when I am taken away from here, so anytime I have the opportunity to be taken away ... I go. There is a skeleton in my closet that I have been hiding for an extremely long time, and I wonder if it's worth putting out on the table... will I become more at ease? I'm scared that if I expose my most deepest tragedy, that I'll get looks, stares, hatred, laughs, grunts, and unacceptance. I havent gone to church in a while... so I'm going to go this coming up Sunday, because this portion of my life has got to get better... for me to get better. Damn, I want to just let it out... but I can't. Why are secrets about yourself so easy to keep... to hide... to wrap yourself up in... to pray that they'll go away. I'm not a liar... just ashamed. I don't need a break... I just want to see the light again. God... do something.

Love,
Me.

Dear whoever,

I'm beyond sad right now... I feel like the work that i put in goes unoticed. It's not that he doesnt like me im sure... and hell, if he doesnt, it wouldnt make me a big difference at this point. I've begun to realize that we put ourselves in these relationships hoping for a bright future with someone... but its not all happy moments. Realizing for the first time that someone can perpetrate and sell you a dream and that you are very capable of falling for it all, hurts. I thought that I was doing the right thing by helping out where I felt, help should be given... but some people have to do things on their own. Maybe its because they've been independent their entire lives and they don't know how to accept a helping hand. How am I suppose to believe that i play a role in your life when you dont respond to the assistance i try to give? If the roles were reversed... you'd give up. he would. I know this because he takes no bullshit, and this right here is bullshit. I'm ashamed because I was so stupid. Fuck.

Unenthused,
Me.

i love them

i love you guys... thanks for the talk today... i didnt think you all would understand but you did. :)

yay

nothing much

damn, why can't i find what the hell im searching for???
my feelings are soooo up and down its ridiculous and the only reason that i can believe they are the way they are is because i havent found what im searching for. I feel so by myself, honestly i miss having a best friend. things just arent the same anymore and im ok with doing things on my own know and growing into my woman... i just thought i'd have someone to constantly be there in my life to talk to and maybe i'm upset because i dont. I had my friendships where i really wanted them my freshman year in college and now we have all gone our seperate ways... our relationships are cordial now and even though ive been trying to get used to it, its hard to watch them make closer relationships with other people.

school is good ... so i should be happy, right? thats what i had been asking for the past couple of years right? thanks god for giving me what i asked for... im just sad i have to do it all alone now.

i dont want to blog about this anymore. so i'm going to try not to... honestly im just kind of sad :(

yep.
me.

Everlasting Epiphany

Have you ever been alive and didn't know it?
Ever cried inside and never showed it?
Ever laughed too aloud... for you couldn't hold it?
Ever slept when you should have been awake
& when you woke up someone had took your place?

Ever stared in the mirror at your own face
Ever thought about when you identified with you race
Ever felt like you didnt get a chance to plead your case.

Have you ever lost yourself and found yourself in the same week?
Have you ever been confused about the ways of which you speak?
Have you ever been told by someone your attitude just wreaked?

Ever been so angry you couldnt stand yourself
Ever been so bad you wanted to beat your own ass with a belt
Ever wanted to not care about anything & melt
Ever thought about your fathers face when he sees him lift your dress as he goes under for your garder belt

Have you ever been scared to dream big because you might not make it
Have you ever thought about wasting a risk if you did not take it
Have you ever felt like love was overrated.

Ever been promised everything under the stars
Ever been so deep in love you blacked out and saw mars ...


It is sheer good fortune to miss somebody long before they leave you.
I miss him when he's here
No person is yours forever
We are only Gods'
But as long as we exsist in this weather
We must try to beat the odds
The heart is moist when held
And can slip out of your hand when dealt
At once I knew it beat
Didnt realize my heart had no rhythm
until my baby swept me off my feet



Once regarding love as possesive
a simple way to take advantage
I dated, unaware of how i'd manage
Love is quiet as it's kept
A secret to many
Once youre in it, you dont share it
The way he keeps me, has made me bare it
It shows all over my face to my toes
I bath in it
won't let it go

I don't want more than I have
When we get greedy we get down on our luck
Many marraiges fall apart over a buck
Love is only as good as the lover
He loves honestly
She said wicked people love wickedly
and yet stupid people love stupidly
So if he loves me honestly, he can have all of me
and If i were a poet to people i'd be rich
I write only for myself, so far i see this fit
Random acts of kindness from me to you
I had to learn to accept his hand when i was blue
I had to learn to stand down when i knew
He taught me how to speak a different language
my communitation skills are fancy as if i came from cambridge

he knows me well
he's got it down pact
he's found that spot beginning at my neck alllll dwn my back
i lie awake in the bed
he wakes too
i moved too
yea he saw that
on our relationship i got his back
love jones love jones
what are we gonna do
i hate living 45 minutes away from you
its tough being by yourself all the time
when all you have is your best friend on your mind
take time to be alone, for its good and true
but in reality i just want to be with you
he'll tell me he loves me five times a day
each time its said i see a gorgeous ray
my sunshine my sunshine, that you are
im glad our love is not sub par
i am near when i seem far
we sacrifice now for one day a house and two cars
i want to reach new heights with you
so lets let this happen
no shade, be my captain.
i love him more than he'll ever know
if he read this blog, i'd blush no more.

forever yours,

Vantreese

What She Don't Know...

You think that "What she don't know, won't hurt her"
You think that if she knew, that it honestly would...
You think that you really have that much of an effect on her, that she would marry you right now if she could.
You think that you're her pride and joy & she does only as she should
You think you have a hold on her, because you got the goods
You think shes safe to sleep with without a hood
You think she told you her true number... no smart girl would.

You think that shes the one for you when yal are together
You think that it's only on her, when you are a part.
You think she believes your every fucking move.
You think that she cares you said "i love you" from the start.
You think she thinks it's love when you question her daily "to- do's".
You think she really does'nt know what you do in the dark.
You think that she thinks shes the only one you take to "that park"
You think you put her on to it all and more.
You think that she ain't been there before... this girls a pro, mindset of a whore.

You think what she don't know, won't hurt her.
You think she'd let you get away with murder.
You think she wouldn't hurt a fly
You think shes sexy when she gives you the eye
You think you're safe when you're around her
You think you're in a better place, any time you encounter her.
You think you can tell her, you just chilled at that party
You think she believes you... because we're so cute arent we?
You think that your drunk ass got off with a free pass
You think you got away with it... because she let you slap her ass.
You think she'll never leave you & she really cares if it lasts.

You think that if your secret is well kept you'll keep her
You think she's impressed by the words and things you do.
You think she'll actually replace her real daddy with you.
You think she gon' let you just play her for the fool.
You think so slow, as if your braincells have mealt.
You think as fast as you can, with the cards you've been dealt...

... this bitch has got the better hand.
so promise to yourself to never be confused with wear i stand.
luckily you ain't put that ring on alisha's hand.
in all honestly she's done all she can... the feelings that she still carries for you have gone bland...

her man loves her, but fuck it, her heart beats slow
and whatever is done in the dark, rises to light fo sho :)
so be careful what you do, who you do or say it to...
for you must remember i'm already 5 fucking steps ahead of you.

-Love Always,
Your Pride and Joy